Friday, November 21, 2008

The Gift

You left me on a Tuesday. I always knew you would eventually. You needed more than I could give you, taking more than I had. I was exhausted when you left. I should have been a complete wreck, but I was nothing other than tired and numb. I slept for days, waking only to pee, get something to drink or feed the cat. You hated the cat. You hated her because she loved me and that irritated you. You hated her because I loved her too. I was never much of a cat person. Remember when we found her? She was wailing away like a tortured child. I took pity on her, let her in and she stayed because I did not have the heart to abandon her at a shelter. She had already been through so much. I remember how she licked her wounds as she backed herself into a corner, unsure of what to expect from two people that did not appear to be much on animals at all. She stayed that way for hours, howling over and over again as I tried to reach out to her. She reminded me of you in a way. You had been difficult to reach too. You wanted me and then would run away knowing that eventually you would destroy me or I would destroy you. Never believing it would be you that destroyed everything, not me.You always preached how you were a simple man, but you were far from simple. Your hobbies and interests’ simple perhaps, but you were as complicated as they come. I suppose it’s what I loved about you. You were passionate to the core and when you loved me, you loved me so deeply and so completely until you realized it would hurt more if you allowed it for too long. So you would pull away, until another weak moment would hit and then you would come back to me and pull me under with rapture. You made love to me for days on end; we slept and ate in-between. Those moments were the best moments of my life. We walked naked through the apartment, unable to keep our hands off each other, showering together every few hours, sore, exhausted, finding pleasure in pain. Your tongue, your lips, your hands, the weight of you crushing me, but I would have gladly died that way beneath you with your eyes staring back at me as we reached unbelievable peaks of bliss in unison. “Let’s make a baby” you would say. I would smile knowing you would resent any child that took me from you for too long but loving how romantic you could be and knowing that eventually you would have to give me life outside of our little world or leave me. You were always so jealous of everything and anyone that bid pleasantries to me, men, women, even children. You wanted me to yourself. You wanted me in a cage. You wanted me at home where you knew no one could take me from you.I remember how the simple things would excite you. I would buy you something for no particular reason at all, lay with you while you watched those bloody reality shows that have never done much for me at all, rub your back or walk in the rain in the middle of the night, laughing. I remember how I made you feel ageless and not even close to your forty seven years. I remember how age had no place in our life. I was young but you were younger at heart and I loved you for it. I remember the last time you made love to me and forgot the birth control we relied on to keep our little world simple. I remember how surprised I was that you had no reservations about throwing caution to the wind.I remember how we laughed and smiled so much it hurt. I remember middle of the night conversations that lasted hours and work days that dragged on with endless cups of coffee to keep us going. You would think we would have gone home to each other and slept but we never did. It’s as if we knew we did not have much time and we needed to make the best of it. We devoured every minute. God … those minutes flew by so quickly.I visited you today underneath the maple tree. I brushed the powdered soil and dead leaves from your stone. I have not been to see you in a long time. It hurts too much. I wanted you to know that I forgive you for leaving me here, for not telling me what was wrong, that I would face losing you much sooner than I could have imagined. I want you to know that you were the love of my life, that no matter how hard I tried; I could never get through a single day without memories and thoughts of you. I wanted to thank you for throwing caution to the wind and giving me life. Our little boy is a year old today.

"Characters take on life sometimes by luck, but I suspect it is when you can write more entirely out of yourself, inside the skin, heart, mind, and soul of a person who is not yourself, that a character becomes in his own right another human being on the page"Eudora Welty

39 comments:

Fiddy said...

Welcome back 'Dizzy' :-)

thatlovelyday said...

Beautiful. Thankyou x.

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Man proposes, God disposes.............................................................

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喜歡你的部落格,留言請您繼續加油.................................................................                           

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